With Labour’s continued poor performance in the polls, the party is getting increasingly desperate. Leader David Cunliffe’s popularity languishes at or below 10%, while Prime Minister John Key’s remains in the 40s. What the polls fail to mention is that 35% of kiwi voters consistently prefer random cats from the internet as Prime Minister.
This has set Labour’s strategic team thinking – ‘why don’t we get David to look more like a cat? People love that Tumblr Cats that look like David Cunliffe.’ Leaks from within the party suggest that the plan is to remove Cunliffe’s brain and transplant it into the body of whichever cat performs best with focus groups.
The plan has gone over well with voters in the centre, but has divided the party’s base. Animal welfarists decry the plan as cruel and violent to innocent cats, but the party’s small but vocal group of humans that identify as animals support the move.
The tension escalated overnight after Young Labour members exchanged increasingly obscure post-structuralist insults. Factional knife-fighting ensued.
Unsurprisingly, the debate thus far has had little to do with the feasibility of actually transplanting David Cunliffe’s brain into the skull of a domestic cat.
Dr Alan Horrock-Axberg of Sydney Private Hospital, the surgeon expected to perform the surgery, has advised that the procedure is difficult but possible, stating “While Mr. Cunliffe’s brain is remarkably flexible, there is no guarantee that any cat’s body would accept it.” When asked whether the size difference between a cat’s skull and Mr Cunliffe’s brain would be a problem, Dr. Horrock-Axberg replied “What, Cunliffe? No, we don’t expect space to pose any problems”. David Cunliffe is remaining tight-lipped on the body-switch.