A recent study by the Victoria University Political Science department claims to reveal the frightening truth about the makeup of student political parties.
Factions in student political parties
ACT New Zealand (‘ACT on Campus’)
57%- First year Bachelor of Commerce students
27%- Rightwing stoners
15%- Educated racists
Conservative Party New Zealand (‘Young’ Conservatives)
100%- That one guy who looks like he’s 35 and doesn’t actually go to uni.
Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand (‘Young Greens’)
55%- Activists who hope to one day visit ‘the environment’
24%- Idealistic misanthropes
11%- ‘Trust-ifarians’ (Rastas with trust funds)
10%- Former Labour party members who expect to ride Green success to power
Mana Party (‘Communist Party’)
100%- unwilling to answer survey questions
(No information available, scheduled to disband in August)
New Zealand First (‘New Zealand First Youth’)
42%- Conspiracy theorists
23%- Contrarians and internet trolls
22%- Pure political opportunists
13%- Mature students. Very, very mature students. Drinking Earl Grey.
New Zealand Labour Party (‘Young Labour’)
40%- Privileged children of civil servants
35%- Aspiring future sellouts
15%- Workers party members who’ve never actually worked
9%- Māori who entered adulthood after 2004
New Zealand National Party (‘Young Nats’)
63%- Rich kids who believe their wealth is due to hard work
23%- Ambitious sociopathic social climbers
13%- Ideologically ‘flexible’ refugees from the ACT party
Interestingly, responses to these findings were similar across party lines. All parties felt that:
1- The findings were correct about other parties, but gross and offensive exaggerations of their own.
2- The study’s authors were most likely members of the opposite tribe.